Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
My life is pants optional.
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