she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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