true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
im six kinds of drunk right now
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
