Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
