Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
