Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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