i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
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