I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
