my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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