Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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