You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
