I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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