hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
