The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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