he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Floor bacon is actually really good
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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