dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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