My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
