It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Randomize
