It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
he laminated a picture of his dick.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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