I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
