Your face is a jimmy john
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
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