At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
My breath smells like gin and sadness
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
