I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
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