My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
