The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
