if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
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My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
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Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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