i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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