we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
