I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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