Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I don't deserve a penis
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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