woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
