If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
