On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
