Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just gargled with NyQuil
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
There are leaves in my underwear?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
