I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
too bad you live with your parents still
It's like God shit irony all over that family
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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