if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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