ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
