I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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