He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
