So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
