Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
