I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
