Umm I'm too high to move.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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