I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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