i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
