I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
