You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insuranceâ€
Randomize
