some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
