dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
