i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i think i scared a bird with my dick
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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