Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
