You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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