i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
