I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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