I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
