Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
