i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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