I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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